Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (831)

Last Night in California (831)

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if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please

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(831): if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please http://tfl.nu/sfv9

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Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out

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(831): Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out http://tfl.nu/e8gp

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Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...

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(831): Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone... http://tfl.nu/6t56

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I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.

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(831): I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting. http://tfl.nu/2s6l

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Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you

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He's CUTE. and foreign

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(415): Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you (831): He's CUTE. and foreign http://tfl.nu/untm

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I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.

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(831): I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible. http://tfl.nu/g067

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I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.

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(831): I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger. http://tfl.nu/whys

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After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

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(831): After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!" http://tfl.nu/os8d

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I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.

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(831): I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick. http://tfl.nu/d0cr

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She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(831): She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock" http://tfl.nu/hp1z

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You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint

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(831): You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint http://tfl.nu/ergy

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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!

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(831): He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?! http://tfl.nu/h0ux

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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(831): Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance http://tfl.nu/d5xa

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My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover

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(831): My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover http://tfl.nu/d6nk

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im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public

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(831): im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public http://tfl.nu/cxwk

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Last Night in California (831)

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