Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.