when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head