Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?