Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom