I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?