I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?