did you just send me my own nude
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.