Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.