I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sext me about skeletons
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?