Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.