I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it