I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.