fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.