Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Drunk is not a location!