I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.