I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.