Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(