I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.