I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.