Texts From Last Night

Last Night in California (408)

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  (408): View more from California

  He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!

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  (408): He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!! http://tfl.nu/u5h8
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  Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos

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  (408): Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos http://tfl.nu/v3p3
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  Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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  (408): Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission http://tfl.nu/3kcn
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  I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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  (408): I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/0k63
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  Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.

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  (408): Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls. http://tfl.nu/x3cf
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  sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.

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  (408): sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here. http://tfl.nu/d4g6
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  Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

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  JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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  (902): Is this a genuine concern or are you just high? (408): JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN. http://tfl.nu/lbkb
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  Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?

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  (408): Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol? http://tfl.nu/xach
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  I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.

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  (408): I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation. http://tfl.nu/jzil
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  The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

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  You've ruined television for me.

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  (408): The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it. (408): You've ruined television for me. http://tfl.nu/32ek
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  A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.

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  (408): A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe. http://tfl.nu/7qkp
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  I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me

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  (408): I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me http://tfl.nu/9m9d
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  Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?

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  (408): Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar? http://tfl.nu/xsyo
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  who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am

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  (408): who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am http://tfl.nu/787a
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  We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.

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  (408): We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices. http://tfl.nu/tes7
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