Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I can't trust your balls anymore.