If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.