Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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