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I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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