Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.