Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Maryland (301)

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  Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

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  (301): Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed http://tfl.nu/1voz
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  Not even the dog will look at me anymore.

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  (301): Not even the dog will look at me anymore. http://tfl.nu/6y6q
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  saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.

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  (301): saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark. http://tfl.nu/xqm1
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  i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.

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  (301): i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man. http://tfl.nu/s3bb
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  guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye

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  (301): guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye http://tfl.nu/qvf8
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  Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.

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  (301): Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow. http://tfl.nu/rpb6
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  I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...

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  How'd that go?

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  Hes on his way with a baseball bat...

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  (301): I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been... (443): How'd that go? (301): Hes on his way with a baseball bat... http://tfl.nu/x8jv
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  She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.

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  (301): She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle. http://tfl.nu/0dzx
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  Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons

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  (301): Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons http://tfl.nu/ha6n
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  I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

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  (301): I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls <3 http://tfl.nu/wgu0
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  Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.

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  (301): Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel. http://tfl.nu/b636
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  All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.

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  (301): All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order. http://tfl.nu/n0bh
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  I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.

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  (301): I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged. http://tfl.nu/aoku
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  he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water

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  (301): he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water http://tfl.nu/w3uv
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  My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.

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  (301): My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake. http://tfl.nu/il6h
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