My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.