public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.