Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
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got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
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My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all