Happy you have kids and I don't day!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.