I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.