If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
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So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.