I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom