Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
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You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?