He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."