Is Oprah even human
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course