I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.