After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.