So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks