Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?