At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.