Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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