Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.