I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.