First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building