Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.