Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
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I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
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I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"