He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick