Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?