Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?