I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
NoShamevember. You game?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.