I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.