she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage