I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.