I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
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No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
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I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"