I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
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I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge