I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
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Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
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I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay