Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.