He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.