I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
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You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
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He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now