You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
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Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
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I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.