its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.