remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos