found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Semen is not good for contacts.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.