did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.