I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
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She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
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A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''